Conspiracy Theory 101

By Dante DeAmicis

Showing the existence of a conspiracy is easy.  You only need to prove 2 things.  First, does the official account explain an event or situation?  Second, would all alternate explanations require at least 3 people to be involved.  If the first answer is no and the second answer is yes then you have proved that a conspiracy must exist.

Proving the nature of the conspiracy is more complicated, with several versions usually vying for acceptance. The best any specific conspiracy theory can hope for is to be more entertaining.  If a given theory is proven it is no longer a theory.  It is a fact.  But even when a conspiracy is in the theory stage it still incorporates some consistent facts that are shared with competing versions for our diminished attention spans.  Here is an example of how a conspiracy theory can be formed with the emphasis on fun.  I call it “The Susan B. Sacajawea Conspiracy.”

During the late 1970’s President Carter decided we needed a one dollar coin made from junk metal.  The paper dollars would still be issued.  They had the suffragette Susan B Anthony on them.  Other than a few collectors, the public hated them.  They were only minted in 1979 and 1980.

Cashiers hated them.  There wasn’t an extra slot in cash drawers for a new coin.  They were too close to the size of a quarter and were silver colored like a quarter.  It was easy to make change mistakes.

Vending machine operators hated them.  Very few things cost a dollar at that time.  They were not going to retool their coin slots.

The blind hated them.  They were too close to the size of a quarter and they had a knurled edge like a quarter.  Why risk giving out dollars for quarters?

Fast forward to the 21st century.  The dollar coin has returned, staring Sacajawea, the Lewis and Clark Indian guide.  But now everything has changed.

Lots of things now cost a buck in vending machines and dollar bill readers are high maintenance.  (plus damage from berserk customers getting their bills rejected)  The edge of the coin is smooth not knurled.  It is gold colored not silver.  Paper dollars are wearing out faster due to their lower value and higher circulation. The only issue remaining is the limited space in cash drawers which can be solved by pulling the now less practical paper dollar.  But this was not done.  Why?  I have a conspiracy theory for that.  (Sounds like: “There’s an app for that”)

All paper money is issued by the Federal Reserve System.  They pay the Treasury for printing and lend out the money.  They keep the interest.  You will get in trouble if you do this.  However, all coins are issued into circulation directly by the Treasury.  They do not charge us interest to use coins.  The economy as a whole does not pay interest just for using coins but it does for Federal Reserve Notes (paper money).

It is reasonable to assume (we’re still not quite at the theory stage yet) that the Federal Reserve would rather have the public use paper dollars that they can get interest on than have people use the now practical metal dollars which bypass their hundred year old money laundering scam.  That’s just their incentive.  Now for the conspiracy theory.

Ten thousand years ago an alien tour bus crash landed in what is now Turkey.  As their Sirian travelers checks were not accepted by the locals, they had to find a way to make a living.  A few found work fabricating religions starring themselves as priests and attendants.  The gullible masses ate it up, giving these lazy con artists a hefty percent of everything they busted their ass for.

For religions to pay off like slot machines you have to limit competing religions.  So some of the extraterrestrials had figure out other ways to live parasitically off the Earthlings.  Working to better mankind was never a serious option except for intermissions between hosts.  Three-card Monty games sprung up focusing on ETs’ hands being quicker than our eyes, or at least our attention spans.  But since humans eventually learn from experience the game had to keep changing.

Then they realized that if they stopped trying to visibly fool people in the street and concentrated on human leaders they could conceal how they sucked the locals dry by convincing governments to front the whole operation as one big complicated monetary policy.  The governments got a cut of the take and all of the blame when the casino went belly-up.  The aliens and their progeny continued to offer their services to new leaders.

All of this proves (according to this conspiracy theory) that the reason Congress has not demanded that the aliens at the Fed pull the passe dollar bills from circulation in favor of the superior interest-free coins is that those rascally Sirians have pictures of Congressional members in compromising positions with goats and dobermans….Alright, so it isn’t proof.  But it is fun.

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